A child see's everything even the things you don"t think they see.

I’m scared of living beyond what I know or see. So growing for me is hard, I do not see or know beyond what I’ve lived. Growing up and seeing things beyond my years very young have put a barrier on me. I was an adult before I was a child, once I became an adult I was lost, and growing was even harder. I craved to find my inner child so I can feel completed over the years but I’ve found myself lost beyond direction many time. I started reading books and poems just so I could learn how others expressed themselves compared to myself. Even when I attended collage I saw myself characterizing and analyzing everything with my own life. And after several lectures I diagnosed myself with personality disorder. Even after that, if that wasn’t so crazy, even tried to analyze that, so than another diagnosis was in order. I was then an over analyzer with a compulsiveness what ever that was. So I started feeling even more confused than before. Told my classmate my theory she laughed, I wonder why? As time went on I kept reading and researching a lot about the disorders and realized I’m none of them I’m just lost trying to find myself. So I ended up writing little things down I could remember over time about my life hoping I could have a break through, still nothing was achieved. So I began with smaller notations here and there and finally decided write a book maybe someone else in the world may be going through the same things you have and have found a way to cope and recover their lives.

I have never been the smart one in school nor in my family for that matter so for me to articulate myself on paper was going to be a journey within itself. I’ve always viewed myself as a self as a go getter(someone who go for the goal and do not stop until achieved) but to be able to write and share who I am to other that is going through the same if not almost the same journey as I am, was going to be difficult. I’m only twenty-six years old so you would think it’s not that difficult, but if you grew up how I did and lived in the same world you would know it’s a long journey coming to know the true me who ever that may be. I can not really recall my entire child hood, at least not all of the good things, but I can recall the bad and the ugly perfectly. I’ve always wondered why it is easy to remember the bad and ugly but never the good and nice. I think I made myself close a lot of my life out because of the pain. And maybe that alone can contribute to my future. So I find that it is crucial for me to try and recall as much as possible about my past so I can grow. The problem is, where should I start? My “life” has never been a bore. But I have also been taught never to air your dirty Landry, well they didn’t quite say mine, they were speaking mainly of themselves so I will tell my life story the way I’ve seen it through my eyes. A child sees everything even the things you don’t think they see.